My Bestfriend, My Sister, What Would I Do Without You

True friends are hard to come by now of days. Its hard to find that friend that you can trust with anything and tell them anything. It took me a while to find that true friend but I finnaly have. Her name is Betsy and shes like my sister. I met her last year during cross-country season of my junior year and it was her senior year. At first we didnt really talk and she thought that I was going to beat her up which I don't know why. I can truely say that she is my bestfriend and I can tell her anything. If I need someone to talk to she is always there for me no matter what. She is an amazing person and I am glad to call her my bestfriend let alone my sister. She knows pretty much everything about me, sometimes that could be a good thing or a bad thing. She has put a big impact in my life and I don't know what I would do without her. During cross-country we had a blast. When we would have a meet we would call eachother buss buddys. Every buss ride we would always sing our favorite song "Baby Got Back". Basketball season came around and I honestly can say she was at pretty much every home game or away game that was in town. I will never forget our first home game when she made me a poster for the game and held it up everytime I came in. I still have that poster hanging up on my wall in my room and it will never come down. When ever I would enter a game I could always hear her scream my name. After games we would always go out to eat, those were always fun. I remember one time when I had a tournament she texted me asking when I was going to get back so that me her and Bri could go eat. When I got back she was already there waiting for me in front of the gym. That was also a fun night that added on to all the memories we have. Tack season was the best. Every practice we would always complain but only because we wanted to piss off coach stewert who most of the time we refered to as the devil. Our plans would always work of course because you know we are hella boss like that. Then graduation came around and that ment that we only had a few months left to hang out with eachother before she left to Fresno State. We had fun when we did hang out over summer but then summer was coming to an end. She had a going away party which was a lot of fun but hard to go to at the same time. This was only because it finnaly hit me that night that she was leaving in just a few days. I didn't want to say bye the night before she left because I knew it would be hard. That day came but the sucky part was that I didn't get to say bye at all. Her mom would't let her stop by that day so I had to say bye through text which wasn't the same as in person. Now it's my senior year and I am hella pumped for it but at the same time things just aren't the same. I dont have my bestfriend there with me at school anymore. We would always hang out at lunch, meet after third period, all of that is gone now. It's just not the same anymore, this year is going to be so different without her. Not seeing her everyday, going to cross-country practice or track practice with her. Worst of all not having her there at my basketball games to cheer me on. I wont hear her voice anymore from the stands when I enter my games. Everything is so different without her. I miss my bestfriend but I know I will see her soon. She is my sister and I love her and don't ever want to lose her. I hope that never happens but at the same time that is my worst fear. I fear that that will happen now that she is in college. Hopefully it doesn't happen. She is one of the most amazing friends I have ever had without a doubt.  I miss her and things are just so different now. I hope I never lose her because I don't know what I would do without my bestfriend.

Why Do I Have So Much Anger Towards You?

Let me be honest for a second. When I was little I would go to your house to spend time with you. I always made it seem like I was having a great time.Sometimes I was but most of the time I wasn't. When you would leave I would always wonder where you would go. I would wonder why didn't you take me with you instead of leaving me with your girlfriend. Throughout my life I've never had that father figure. Never had that dad to look up to. It hurts all the time to know that we will probably never have that father daughter relationship. I say I love you when you say it to me but really I hate you. I hate you for not being there while I was growing up. Instead of having my father there to look up to I had to look up to my brother-in-laws instead. They are more of a dad to me than what you will ever be. When it would come to my birthday or the holidays I would always wonder and wait to see if you would call that day but you never did. I would sit there dissapointed. I would try and say that it didn't bother me, but deep down inside I would be heart broken. I would be crying a river inside. When mom would tell me to call on your birthday or father's day I would say I would but really I never did. I would lie to mom and say you didn't answer. I would always say to myself why should I call you if you never called me. It kills me inside to know that your no longer apart of my life anymore. To me mom is my dad, she's been there for me, you haven't. I remember all the times I use to cry because I wanted to have that relationship with you but I knew that would never be there. There is a whole in my heart that is filled with anger towards you. I don't know if that will ever go away. When mom brings you up I get this sadness inside me. It turns to anger, I end up crying, I don't know how to make it go away. As much as I want that day to come, for us to have a relationship again, I know it never will. I want to get rid of all the hate and anger I have towards you. I don't know how to let it go and let myself forgive you. One day I hope I can. I wish you were apart of my life but your not. Without you here im still doing fine without you. I wish we had memories together but we don't beacuse you were never there. I want to forgive you but right now I just can't.