Why Do I Have So Much Anger Towards You?

Let me be honest for a second. When I was little I would go to your house to spend time with you. I always made it seem like I was having a great time.Sometimes I was but most of the time I wasn't. When you would leave I would always wonder where you would go. I would wonder why didn't you take me with you instead of leaving me with your girlfriend. Throughout my life I've never had that father figure. Never had that dad to look up to. It hurts all the time to know that we will probably never have that father daughter relationship. I say I love you when you say it to me but really I hate you. I hate you for not being there while I was growing up. Instead of having my father there to look up to I had to look up to my brother-in-laws instead. They are more of a dad to me than what you will ever be. When it would come to my birthday or the holidays I would always wonder and wait to see if you would call that day but you never did. I would sit there dissapointed. I would try and say that it didn't bother me, but deep down inside I would be heart broken. I would be crying a river inside. When mom would tell me to call on your birthday or father's day I would say I would but really I never did. I would lie to mom and say you didn't answer. I would always say to myself why should I call you if you never called me. It kills me inside to know that your no longer apart of my life anymore. To me mom is my dad, she's been there for me, you haven't. I remember all the times I use to cry because I wanted to have that relationship with you but I knew that would never be there. There is a whole in my heart that is filled with anger towards you. I don't know if that will ever go away. When mom brings you up I get this sadness inside me. It turns to anger, I end up crying, I don't know how to make it go away. As much as I want that day to come, for us to have a relationship again, I know it never will. I want to get rid of all the hate and anger I have towards you. I don't know how to let it go and let myself forgive you. One day I hope I can. I wish you were apart of my life but your not. Without you here im still doing fine without you. I wish we had memories together but we don't beacuse you were never there. I want to forgive you but right now I just can't.